Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Very Deep Thought today

There are days that are the usual and then the days that stand out a little more than others. Nothing really unusual to most people but sometimes the meaning can be surreal to just yourself and those that know you best.....maybe.

Today was one of those days. A day in which I did usual errands, on a usual road to my usual work.

However, I made a simple stop to see a friend's shop, what was "new" and really just so looking forward to Spring coming up that I wanted to look around at what she had in her store. I know that Spring is a ways away, as the Groundhog said but.......a girl can dream, right?

It had been a long day. Not stressful, but full of hurry, hurry here-and-there things to do while in town.

Sometimes I think my experiences are the only ones, that they are rare even though I hear stories daily from folks who are in the same boat.
I think part of that is denial. Denial is the basic human instinct that is a normal phenomenon due to our brain chemistry and how we, as humans, mostly deal with things out of the ordinary.

Occasionally, I will strongly feel that I'm in the middle of a conversation or in the middle of a place and know that it's destiny and only God could put that scene together. Today was one of those days.

I cannot go into details of all the whims and woes and the last thing I want to do is to convey any sense of pity, I just want to maybe touch the lives of others as so many have for me. If we all brushed things under the rug, so to speak, life would not be life and meaning wouldn't be real. So I'm just keeping it real here.

I walked around this shop admiring all the prim stuff, as I do love it deeply, and all the fabrics and the finished items I wished and dreamed I could do myself so neatly when one thing led to another in conversation and before I knew it, I was almost reliving the past by answering questions. It wasn't in a bad way just sometimes it forms lumps in my throat thinking about what happened to me in my first marriage and how the effects rippled into mine and my children's lives years down road. I then start hearing the words come out and then there's a part of me now that knows that was a whole other time and place.

There are usually striking differences between men and women in many ways and for women I think talking about "the children" usually is foremost, because they are a part of us and we think of them always even if they don't realize it. From the moment they are born, our lives are centered around them. Gradually, as they get older we have to let them go and that's the hard part.

Sometimes it just takes talking to a friend to realize what's in your heart all along but you can't express it. And when it happens, there is a brief moment of peace that all is well and confidence soars. You realize that you knew it all along but just hadn't expressed it or validated it for yourself.

For a brief period of time, I remembered some things I probably wished I had not.
Then followed by a period of peace in my heart, knowing that I did the best that I could do at the time given the circumstances.

Unfortuantely there are things that our children will not understand until they experience having their own children. There are things that we keep from our children when they are little to protect them from experiencing it too. Sometimes they remember, sometimes not.

I walked to the car, ready to head home, and as I turned on the car radio, this song played starting exactly from the beginning and I had to sit in my car until it was over for a few minutes as I remembered how the meaning of it was so important to me in the early 90's when I had to make the ultimate decision to leave an abusive relationship. I made that decision based on many factors but for the most part, my children's sake. I could take it, but when it came to affecting my kids, I knew something had to change. That process took several years of hard work but our lives changed and I think for the better. There were some small pivotal points for me. One I can remember very well, standing ina restaurant and my daughter at the age of 5, pointed to a money collection jar with an abused child's pic on it and she asked me if she was an "abuse child" because her daddy would wake her with a belt every morning at 6am prompltly. She put a nickel in the jar to help.

I was determined to change the environment we were living in and with the help of a pro bono attorney and friends, we changed it.

I also thought of Brandon and the innnate desire of mothers to protect her son that is so engrained in our minds. To me it's a natural thing. There are rare occasions, I'm sure where mothers do not connect at all to their children, but for the most part and in my case I wanted to protect both of kids from harm. Mental and physical.

The lyrics to this song best expresses how our bodies try to deal with such traumas.
The name is Silent Lucidity. The band is actually heavy metal and I definitely wasn't into much of that but this song is a ballad and is very touching. It was very popularly played in the 90's.

I have folks who ask my advice not even knowing my own circumstances in years back.
Usually, I get asked, "what would you do?" and "how can I make it by myself?" and "I should stay for the children, right?"

While I can't or won't give any definite answers to folks, I try to just act as a sounding board so that they themselves realize that they already know those answers. Because it's really only when you feel at peace with your own decisions, that you direct your actions.

Today I was actually on the other side and through verbalizing a few of my own thoughts with a friend, I realized the peace in my heart with what I decided.

This song I found on U-tube in several versions. Actually, there is one which shows many art forms (to say it pretty LOL) but it shows the mind-body connection and how we deal with trauma.
The song has many deep meanings and it's definitely one if you are interesting in deep thought to explore when you have more than a few minutes.

I just put the one with the lyrics as sometimes in the song it's hard to really hear the words clearly.
There is also a version of one with a child in bed, obviously dreaming and having bad dreams, insomnia and then the little boy is held and reassured by the mother.
This version did not have the lyrics but so moved me in many ways.

No matter how old our children get, no matter how independent they are, or what they do with their own lives as adults, there is this sense of protection that runs strong between mothers and children.

Towards the end of this video is a really good verse that kind of sums up how I look at life even though sometimes all of our lives, have a bit of Silent Lucidity, in order to deal with the stress.

And finally, for Brandon, I'm sure he will have new stressors as he heals from war and this has been one of the hardest experiences not being able to protect him from harm.......this time.


  1. I am so glad that you decided to continue blogging. Thank you so much for your words. While your experiences and issues may not be the same as mine I still appreciate your honesty and candor. I'm so glad to have had the opportunity "meet" you.

  2. You are a very strong woman, Jennifer.
    I send to you a warm hug.

  3. Jennifer,

    I so agree with the comments that Jennifer left!

    We've never met, but you have touched my life!

    Have you ever read "For One More Day" by Mitch Album? I thought of it when you wrote, "Unfortuantely there are things that our children will not understand until they experience having their own children. There are things that we keep from our children when they are little to protect them from experiencing it too. Sometimes they remember, sometimes not."

    Thanks for being you.


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