The First Father's Day Without My Father

I could write alot about my daddy. I've known him and loved him for half a century. But there is no amount of room here to explain the closeness we had in our hearts. Our first Fathers day without him. Doesn't seem real. I still have 2 phone messages on my phone that I will not delete. It's him calling me the last time in October 2016 before he got sick. As usual, he says "hey Jennifer, just calling to check on you and see how you are doing this week". I'd call him back. 

I have notes he left on my door when I was at work while he was nearby. They were usually on the back of Autozone or Lowes receipts. He would write to say he missed me and loved me.

In 2013, he put a note on my door that said "Pray for me". He had his younger days before my kids were born where he was pretty doggone intense. (I'm sure I did too) but about age 50-60, he mellowed out and in his last 3 years, we spent much time talking. He was my  rock. The first man I loved. The man that taught me to be strong when I would lose hope. 

My daddy was always pulling a prank or joke. He loved to laugh and ask me to remember when........all kinds of things. We fished together, we went out in the woods to get a Christmas tree, he always went with me to get a new car just for advice and I could definitely trust him with anything auto related. 

He was the one I called for all things mechanical and wisdom for rebellious children, small and adult.

He let me learn some lessons the hard way.

I needed to learn them too.

He called me Doodlebug and actually melted a nickel with a welding tool when I was 8 and wrote my name on it, put a hole for a chain and I wore it alot in elementary school.

My daddy loved animals and I soooooo got that from him. He loved the outdoors and even though he was vigilent about mosquito spray he lost his life to West nile virus just 7 weeks ago.

My daddy is in a much better place now and I tell myself he is not in pain or suffering anymore. Some days that helps and somedays not. I take one day at a time. I miss him very badly.

I miss Sunday night phone calls at 9:30pm.

I miss being able to call him and ask his advice on all things life related.

I miss being able to confide in him and him to me without involving other people.

His spirit though is still with me. That much I do know.

And I just looked at the clock and it's that time of the night on Sunday when he usually calls.

So for all the fathers out there, Happy Fathers Day!

And for those whose father has gone to heaven, I know exactly how you feel today.

Till later,

Jennifer

Losing My Daddy

Hey friends.

Since I posted last I've been through quite a few changes. One of which is the death of my father on April 20th. He had suffered 6 months as a quadraplegic from neck down and on life support.
I could write alot about my daddy but long story short, he was my rock. Of course no one is perfect but in the last 3 years my daddy decided to have a good relationship with me, writing me letters, calling every Sunday night at 9pm -10pm to give me encouragement, check on me, tell me he loves me when he knew other family was being distant.

I treasure the time I spent with him for months, sometimes in a coma not knowing if he heard me or not. But I do believe he did. I wiped away tears. Eventually, making sounds through his trach some I understood and the respiratory therapist, some just loud moans. We found a way to communicate without speaking a word. That's what love does.

Did I say what took a very healthy man who drove a tractor and had just fixed the roof of his house?
A mosquito bite infected with West Nile Virus.

Yep, my father was number 5 out of 6 cases of West Nile virus in GA for 2016.

Unfortunately, for him he did not have a mild case but got brain and spinal cord infection of which there is no cure.
My daddy and I had alot of conversations of wisdom in his last 3 years.  He was fixer of all things mechanical or household. He didn't go to college or take any special courses in life. He just would figure out how to fix anything.

Previous to this, I had major shoulder surgery on my dominant arm.  This was 6 days before my daddy passed, taken off life support. Since then I have been in much pain, especialy on rehab days. I now have 3 metal anchors attaching my ligament to the bone and having complications in the past few weeks where the doctor wants to do another surgery but I honestly am trying to work it out with physical therapy as much as possible. I really don't think I can go through another shoulder surgery as this one was the most painful thing I've had including birthing babies. At physical therapy 3 times a week I am making the best progress in the past week so I'm not losing hope.

About week 3, I started to try to knit again and would off and on knit a row here and there.
This past week, knitting about an hour a day. Unfortunately, I am having nerve pain from the shoulder down to my thumb and very bad at the elbow with swelling. We are hoping this again will resolve with therapy.

Thank you to all who sent me encouragement through this time on Facebook and who PM'd me and shared their own experiences with the loss of a parent.

I read somewhere that there are rites of passages for all women and the final one is when her father dies. I found that interesting but totally can understand that point in life.
My father is buried right beside my son that passed away in 1985 and my daddy buried my son in such a way to give the option that I can be buried beside him when the time comes. At that time my daddy paid for all my prenatal care because he knew my spouse at the time couldn''t as he had no job.
He also paid for the casket and memorial service for our son.
He always was the first one I saw waking up from surgery. Always.
And I missed that so much this time in surgery.

At the very last 25 minutes when my father was passing, my brother held one hand and I the other. All our family in the room and supportive. My daddy's eyes became more open and it appeared he was seeing something over him and he looked so peaceful. I do believe he saw angels greeting him or maybe some of our family and his closest friends who had passed over also.

Dealing with constant shoulder pain and rehab of my arm and crying at the drop  of a hat about daddy, it has been a very rough 7 weeks to say the least.
The only consolation I have is that he is much healthier and happy now in a beautiful place called Heaven where I will meet him again one day.

        

I miss him so much. He made sure I felt love by him and in fact he left me a letter that he loved me much and always and I am having an Etsy designer who takes original handwriting and impresses it on a bracelet plate of solid silver so I can be reminded of how his spirit is always with me in his original handwriting. When I receive my memory bracelet back I will be sure to post the Etsy shop name and the owner because she is the sweetest while we conversed back and forth.

Today's mission for my husband and I is to work on my camera to get the best pictures possible so I can return to blogging regularly.

I have missed it alot.

I feel particularly blessed to have a very supportive husband who brings me coffee in bed, rubs my shoulder and back to work out the muscle knots, takes time away from work to take me and cheer me on during rehab of my arm, and who has been a vital part of help from this surgery.

I hope this finds all of you in a happy, peaceful moment with needles in hand creating something beautiful!

I also have spent my downtime watching ALOT of knitting podcasts and will share later on this topic.

So spread love and always remember life is short. Enjoy all you can with your creative hearts!

Love Always,

Jennifer

Seasons and Loss

Our weather here in the North Georgia mountains was so beautiful this morning, cooler, but the birds were chirping and the daffodils have bloomed nicely. Sitting on the back porch with my dearest hubbie this morning with coffee in hand, sometimes we have the most interesting discussions about things. I treasure that time. We talked about seasons and life. We talked about ebb and flow.

Later on, I went to Facebook and saw that one of my knitter friends who it felt like last week we were just discussing a confusing knitting pattern, had died yesterday. Her sons announced it on her page. I was shocked and so sad. It reminded me again that life is so short and can change in the blink of a minute. She was a really sweet woman who loved her family and crafting. Gone way too early in life. WAY too early. I hope and pray for her family right now.

Also the day before found out another very close friend of mine for years who I still stay in contact with......her mom died and they were very close. I knew her mother. She is someone else to pray for during this time.

Seems when Spring is coming, there are reminders that there are seasons that ebb and flow, lives ebb and flow, going through this balance in life, sometimes there are times of disaster and hurt we do not understand and then there are joyous new beginnings.

I did laugh today as I found a you-tube channel in which the presenter makes one feel like she is a positive spirit right in my living room and honestly, she touches many lives and has a gift I think she realizes and hopes she continues to make people laugh. And as she reminded me today, laughter is a good anti-ager! I just love that I found her videos. I have learned so much from her.  Brightens my day!

There is so much sadness in this world, and people who do not get to experience laughter and connection and a feeling of belonging. Without trying to sound all gloomy this evening, just wanted to write how very thankful I am for what I do have and more mindful of what could be lost in the blink of time. I am thankful for you, who read my blog and have sent me messages many times of encouragement and ideas, thoughts, laughter, etc.

Hang on to the laughter, love, and connection with people. Even my introverted self needs to do more of that.

 Remember someone else's Spring, might be someone else's Winter and vice versa.

We really don't know what we all go through sometimes and in this day and time, if it's not all beautiful, then we are felt to be shamed in some way to speak about it. In older days, people sat around on the porches, had family living really close (who actually cared and was not ashamed of us)  if not in the same house, multigenerational, to help keep spirits up, support each, laugh, cry together, do chores, and just be a functional unit of connection.

Now, many people simply don't want to take the time to listen or even know of anything that isn't bursting with laughter but if you find a true friend, a true gift, something that brings you immense joy---hang on to it.

If something brings you utter sadness and you are going through a season in life, although temporary or permanent, that is bring inner pain, try to remember the good, find someone who listens, make do with what you have and thank God for it. Because really all of us in the end, whether you are one to ignore someone's pain and decide to turn away from that or not, realize when you make a choice to not do something, you've already made a choice.

People are not things and cannot be replaced. Their laughter, their personality that brought us joy cannot be replaced. And most of all, try to be the person who brings joy. I haven't always been that way but I really do try and it's the trials in life that I had to go through who made me who I am today.
I think we all could say the same.

I don't know why this is on my heart today to write but it's in hopes that helps someone. Bad news like death, estranged children, loss of a career/job, financial strain, death of friends we knew, pets, loss of ability to help us in our craft we love as we age, divorce, etc.........all these really cannot be changed but if you know someone who is going through any of these, offer your ear, your love, your friendship, and time. It will mean so much to that person and there are all of us at one point in the Winters of our lives that will need it.

 

Dear God, help us to remember Robin and her family in these next days as they go through a horrific loss and sadness. She was a good friend and shared similar interests, and she brightened my day many times. Sometimes I take this for granted and  I'm mindful again of how brief our life really is. We pray and thank you for all the lives she touched through our interest in the needle arts as well. I also pray for one of my very best friends for almost 20 years now. She is going through a lot of grief with the death of her mother of whom she was very close to.

Be with her family as they all deal with this in their own way. Bring peace and love to both of these families today and all others unspoken who are in some big Winters of their lives.

Thank you, God, for loving us unconditionally and showing us that example so that if we are ever abandoned or alone, that you remind us of your presence unconditionally. I know this means so much to me and has for a very long time now to have you grounding me to people and things, relationships and such that bring joy in order to cope through those Winter seasons.

Thank you for signs of Spring which gives us a reminder of hope. I will never lose hope, no matter how much loss there has been. Your child forever, Jennifer.

 

 

Good night to all.

The Annual Design For Aaron: Aaron's Flowers 2012 sampler

Aaron's Flowers

designed by Feathers in the Nest

copyright 2012

Every July, when the hottest of the year yields it's heat, I know that Aaron's (my first born son) birthday is soon around the corner. For the past few years, I have designed a sampler in memory of him. This year, I was inspired by the flowers that grace his memory. Blue and yellow were his colors in many ways. He was born and died in 1985 and I can't believe this August 16 he would have been 27 years old.

This sampler, as most all samplers has some symbolic meaning interplaying in it's design.

There are 27 blooms in honor of his years we have been apart. Some small and large hearts in both colors are representative of his sweetness and the love and have and will always have for him. The one blue and yellow heart represents the overshadowing of his death on my life throughout the years.The small cross represents his innocence as a baby and that he lives in Heaven but his spirit is with me all the time. His initials for his name Aaron Franklin and the year of his physical prescence as he was nurtured to full term but left way too early. The yellow centered heart flower, the large one, standing alone represents his yellow outfit he was buried in and the surrounding lighter blue of which covered him with a blue and white blanket that said "Thank Heaven for Little Boys". The overshadowing top Morning Glory color border reminds me of the rain that followed the day after he was buried. I can clearly remember this as if it was yesterday.

This memory for me is bittersweet even after all these years. I often wonder what he would have been like if he had lived until today. Butterflies outside frequently remind me that his prescence is always near me and will be for the rest of my life. I think of him as my little angel and God needed Him at that time.

Posting this does bring a tear to my eye but it's not for pity or sadness. It's just in remembering how his birth and death shadowed my heart. For all who have had the loss of a child, I'm sure you can relate to what I'm saying. I look forward to the day I will be reunited with him in Heaven and because of his innocence and sweetness, I'm sure he will meet me there with open, not closed, arms.

His footprints.

Fibers of choice on this piece but I really like Gentle Art:

Morning Glory

Presidential Blue (darker blue)

Butternut Squash

Gold Leaf

Apple Cidar ----the base of the flowers

Strawbonnet for the word "in"

Baby Spinach--green

linen of choice and this would be gorgeous in 1 over 1 on linen, but also good for 2 over 2. I would make this a pillow keep and use the gold fabbie I got this week at the quilt shop in the making.

One of the things I need to do as a goal this year is to stitch more of my own designs! I keep saying that but there are so many I want to do!!!!

This one will be in my basket soon though. 24 hours in a day is just not enough!!! :)

Hope you are having a bright, sunny day just as we are in the mountains today.

Lots of good plans for the weekend. I slept really good last night and right now I have Abbie staring at me in the face awaiting some playtime with her toys. ;)

Till later,

Jennifer

Sappy Saturdays

So how was your week?

Mine went well, very well, taking a day at the time and the more days, the more I know I'm at peace.

Went to one of my fave places for a burger today and also received a dozen, beautiful red roses delivered to my house today, so love is definitely in the air here, with sweetness, and just making every day a Valentine's Day right now!! Even Flossie Mae has unexpectedly attracted all male cats for the past 2 days and she will probably be delivering kittens. I was late getting her fixed and was assured that cats don't go into heat until Spring. hummmm.......not here. LOL

So inspired, I decided to set up a few of my favorite Valentine's decor on top of my piano around my new roses and take a look-see:

A cup of tea anyone?

Times like these when I dust and can see the furniture. ;p

I love tea. I have some new Youthberry tea with orange from Teavana and have carefully enjoyed the full antioxidant benefits of it since I got it last week. Full of savory healing, wholesome and delicate goodness.

and there is one certainty, time moves right along.

And that is a good thing as I ponder many circumstances, some given to me unexpectedly in this life, but all have a purpose to fit somewhere. In time.

I have confidence in that much.

I got out some of my favorite pillow keeps

This one is from designer, The Sampler Girl, stitched by me. One of her freebies.

The top one, a freebie by Primitive Betty's stitched by me and another one which I love so dear.

I also love small quilt heart pillows. And this one just looks good here too.

And as I said this is Sappy Saturday as I miss my kids, now adults and hold them in my heart until they decide one day maybe to reconnect. I'm at peace with it. I know they will do what their heart leads them to do. They've tried many things to put a divide between us but in time they will learn the wisdom that mama's always love their babies and will miss them too.

It feels good to come to acceptance of these and many things that are "on my heart" today.

Because I know that really all things work together for good according to His purpose in his Time.

That's a promise I keep with MY heart.

and the roses, ahhhhhh, yes the beautiful roses. Mr. Darcy really does exist, ladies!

Now that's a sappy story as well with most of it unwritten for safety reasons. But as I've gotten a few emails about "the BodyGuard Situation",

this is where I must tell you the truth as he chose to live another life for the past several years, a life full of lies and deception, dishonesty and hurt, danger and pride, and I was absolutely unaware of many of his deceptions until July of this past year, but there again...... It was my time, my prayer was answered in months and as he strived hard to hurt me as much as he could, he really ended up being destructive to himself.

He is no longer in my life and I have no ill-will for him and he knows that. I am so glad I finally saw the light, the real kind of what kind of light he carried on our journey.

The rest is unwritten and will stay that way for safety reasons, but all in all, I feel safe with the One that loved me first, My Heavenly Father.

He protected me many times in my life and this past year was one of them.

He surrounded me with true friends and those who chose to say curt words and leave my life, I accepted their decisions as well, as they only didn't really understand, thank goodness the hades I went through so there is peace with that and those I've connected with are purposely only positive people right now.

I learned a hard lesson on trust many times in my life as many of you have too in yours. I am no different and am just saying that if you listen to your heart, your prayers will be answered. Just get ready for them to be answered in ways you may not think it will be.

By my bed is framed Be Still and Know I am God, and I see that when I awake and when I go to bed.

I stitched it a couple of years ago, designed by The Sampler Girl and it's given me so much encouragement.

So, last year, yes I went through a horrendous divorce with a man who's goal was only to hurt and hurt bad in every way.

I'm a thankful woman for the blessings I have and for the love of God to protect me even though he used every low avenue he could to deceive and perpetuate his deep seated lies.

I hope none of you go through this kind of betrayal but if you do, remember.... that there is a rainbow after the rain.

As a totally not interested person in relationships at all after all that, I guess another door opened, and this time, I have never felt so much peace inside with the friendship we've attained. It's refreshing, rejuvenating, lifting, and totally awestruck by the miracle God put in my life after Christmas Day.

The story will be unwritten here but all I can say is that ONLY God would be one to put this together and things that have happened are amazingly refreshing.

And for this, and other reasons, stitching, has been much to the side in the past several months.

But there are seasons in life that we all go through and I ONLY choose to respond and be with positive people as the negative, I really can't relate to and it drains me right now. I love to help others but those that are hurtful, I let go. It was time.

You wouldn't believe (maybe you would) some emails I got during this time from some bloggers.

I really felt sorry for them. I don't think they understood at all. But, I hope you know I heart each of you reading this blog, for whatever brought you to it today to read.

sometimes we don't know where the tree stops and the water begins but the reflection I see out my window one evening said it all.

Sometimes what we think we are living is only a shadow.

So, I'm totally in God's hands with what doors open next, but I will always trust Him forever.

I think 2012 and beyond is another chapter of life for me. Even the love of music is coming back for me. And it's nice to have someone to share that with.

So, I'm enjoying each day as best I can and that's the best we all can do.

One day the rest of the story will be written. It may require a book format! LOL

Through all this I learned these lessons:

1) no marriage or relationship can be based on dishonesty, deception, lies, and abuse

2) it takes 2 mature people to make one, just one doesn't work

3) never take a day for granted, it might change your life forever

4) thank all the friends who stuck with you and even those who chose to leave you for it showed you who really cared to start with.

5) slowly open your heart to a real kind of love because it can happen.

6) hug your children every day if you have the chance. If you can't, always hope, never lose hope.

7) if you've never seen your marriage partner open a Bible until his lies are found out, then pretends to do so and uses the word of God in a hateful way, RUN, don't walk. No matter what. God does not come looking for us. He knows where we are, we look for HIM.

8) accept nothing less than God being the foundation of a marriage relationship

9) life is too short to waste it trying to explain to former "friends" when they want to run as if it's contagious. If they were really your friend to start with, they would still be with you, if they dropped you for whatever, just nod, bow, and open the door for them.

10) Take safety seriously. If someone, anyone, comes to you in a dangerous situation in fear, don't say "I don't want to get involved" because in essence you really have taken the abuser's side by turning your head.

11) Pray. Pray without ceasing even when nothing but tears are flowing and you're speaking to the mountains and no one else because He DOES hear our specific requests and He already knows what we need if we just ask and be still. Patience. His TIME not ours.

and most important

12) I've found out twice what love is not so I can better recognize what love REALLY is. Even though I went through alot through the years, I'm thankful because I wouldn't know without the contrast.

The more days go by, the bigger the rainbow gets.

I hope you  have a  lovely Saturday evening and thank you for taking time out of your day to read my sappy moments today as I reflect on some very deep things, love, clean and take care of my home.

Home is Where the Heart Is means much more to me now.

Till later,

Jennifer

From the Heart to those who journey with me

First, I want to thank each and every one of you for prayers as of late. I honestly have been in a whirlwind of major changes, some placed in my hands that I never, ever would have guessed that I would have to go through. Only through God's plan for my life, did these things become revealed to me and He has and will protect me and see me through according to His will. Seems like Spring and Summer went by in a flash, yet in slow motion at the same time as I tried to deal with quite some revelations and deceptions that were very deeply  hurtful; however, overall, I think that the One above, knows exactly when and how to present the truths we need to know, the ones we have prayed for, in HIS time, not ours.

I couldn't answer all the emails that came my way but I do want you to know that you mean the world to me. Through blogging, I have developed so many stitcher friends and realized that writing is indeed a part of me that I can't let go. Of course, through all the trauma this Summer, I didn't have very much time to sit and stitch and didn't even have my stitching mojo at all. There were times that I was afraid for my life; however, the stitching and designing are coming back, as I know needlework is a part of me.

It's just in my fiber.

I miss the networking, the friendships, the laughter, the sharing of our love for stitching.

I can't expand on a public domain of the details of what I"ve been through of late and it's really unimportant because the fact remains that because of the destruction of one individual's choices in life and it's effects on those around him, I will not let that control who I am and what my friends are and enjoy. Therefore, I will slowly be coming back to blogging.

I do not see that I need to make it private at this time as I have met so many people globally who also love needlework that I wouldn't want to restrict it's use due to one person's decision to control.

The most important thing right now is rest, getting back into the stitching world with those who choose to journey with me, and write. Miss Abbie sends lots of hugs and love too. She has been the sweetest, kindest animal I've ever owned (and believe me, in this life time I have had several!!!).

 I have irregular use of the computer right now but due to so many, SO many that wrote me to continue with the blog, and reconsideration, I have decided to begin a fresh new beginning. I had to reflect at the reasons why I would have to choose not to write about stitching and other delights that I so hold in my heart as treasures and have for years.

What a better time that Fall.

Fall has always been, and probably will always be, my favorite time of year. I relate to it as new beginnings, I guess, as August and September roll around for new school starts. Just like fresh, new pencils and paper, it's a time of reevaluation for a new year. This year in particular is a restart on many other things as well. I embrace the opportunity even though through challenges I thought I could never handle, to learn many life lessons.

I can even see some of the Dogwoods leaves starting to tinge a shade or two, and as I sit on my back porch looking through the beautiful mountains of North Georgia, I realize it will not be long before nature makes her show of Autumn color palettes.

As I'm still going through quite an ordeal on the homefront and with irregular use of the internet temporarily, I may not blog daily, but I hope to get back into Feathers in the Nest blogging, sooner rather than later.

Thank you again. There's one thing about hardships: it shows us really who our friends are. It also challenges our fiber to stretch to spaces we didn't even think we could before.

This pic taken 3 years ago in the peak of Fall. I have lost almost 10 lbs since this last 6 months and I so hope to get my health back and overcome the challenges that each day is bringing and I strongly believe that I can, I have, and I will with the help of the One above. I'm praying and hoping that He gives me direction and courage to face the things I have been forced to face in order to live a life free of deception and lies. I'm embracing the opportunity to self-reflect in my own life as in hindsight is truly 20/20 and that the truth shall truly set me free.

Till later and to all those journeying with me,

Jennifer

Its Sunday night again

I do apologize for the detours we have had to take this week to deal with some horrendous things that have effected our family. I can't really explain on a public domain but take my word for it that the next 2 weeks at least will demand my attention to these issues.
That being said, we are alright. We have food, we have shelter, we have our dignity, integrity left but what the others have tried to take away from us for 3 months has been a living nightmare.

You can only hold it in so long I guess. Move forward. Welcome the opportunities that life swings.
Lesson learned: You never know how your life will change in 24 hours. Please pray from my husband especially. His health, his guidance he needs, his dealing with the trauma of such an event or 2.

We still have each other and I haven't picked up the needle as we are in survival mode right now. I hope to show something on the blog worth reading this week if you can hang in there with us. If not, I understand. There are many that are far more informative and pleasant.

We will be on our feet again soon I hope. For hope is one thing we have left after this week.

That may just be one on hope that I stitch next just to remind us of it.

Liberty House Primitives has a great blog that has the most encouraging patterns and I've printed off on our new wireless printer, some of her encouraging samplers. It's this time in our lives like the poem says that we don't know the reason for the darker colors just looking at the underside.

Hope to post soon again. For the past few days my energies have been into other things God has called me to do. Tiring, but a must.

Hope your Monday starts your week well.

Jennifer

While the world is in turmoil........

I hook. I sew. I stitch. I design. I stress. I stare at the TV in awe.

Yep, I wouldn't call myself a professional hooker but I was determinedd to fix this chair cushion that Abbie tore up before it was paid for. LOL  I don't know if you have seen this in the past but now it's semi-fixed.
I don't have hooking supplies but I sat down and used a large needle and knitting needle to poke this back and through until I thought it was presentable enough as a headrest on my stitching chair! :p

 Yeppers, she doesn't want to talk about it, her separation anxiety when I'm at work or upstairs.

She tries to keep her place nicely.

 But obviously had a bad day a few months ago.

I think she wanted me to learn to be a hooker.

The pillow she dug in was not as bad, not at all, so a quick fix for it.

This is when I took up the practice of yoga for times like these.

I love yoga now and it's part of my daily activities.

 Now that Obama has dipped us in a 3rd war at the same time, I probably will be practicing 3 times a day.

I digress.......

But honestly, power yoga is not a good first one to start unless you have muscle relaxers handy at the house.

 I have gotten into this level now, still a little sore the next day but better.

Last night I started stitching another blue sampler. My brother-in-law, his wife, and my MIL lost their little Pepsi doggie a couple of weeks ago and I was inspired to make Sir Pepsi a pillow keep.

I started by putting a rainbow in the middle and this is the part I have left to stitch.

I stitched it on a piece of linen of which I didn't have labeled but it's a Smokey Blue color. 32 count. Any guesses?

Using CC Cornflower Blue, Chili Pepper, and Gold Leaf so far. Today I will put the Rainbow above this with year when he crossed Rainbow Bridge.

Abbie met Sir Pepsi last September on our trip to Chicago.

He will be missed.

I visualize one day both meeting again with us across Rainbow Bridge where there is lots of green grass and no more illnesses, just sunshine and peace.

It' a muggy night in Georgia

Tonight, we were sitting on the back porch for a few and talking about the weekend and Body Guard looked up to the foggy window and said, "did you make this heart with the line through it?" and he pointed to the glass. I said, no but looked and sure enough there was the door all fogged up but a perfect heart with a arrow through it.

He swears he didn't do, and I didn't do it.

The pictures of it are much more blurry than I could get them.

Have you ever felt the spirit of someone who has passed? Sometimes, it happens in dreams. But this, I felt it again. Makes me wonder sometimes and I don't think that this was coincidental.

Well, here's hoping you have a great week and feel at peace in some kind of way every day.

Till later,

Jennifer

The milestones we miss

I don't know where to start. All I can say is that I've busied myself with decorating and redecorating and working and reading and not allowing myself to think so much of the pain in my heart. I'm totally not writing this for a pity party. And I know that many will say  "This Too Will Pass" and it's just right now it's hurting so bad inside. My heart is broken and I guess I allowed it to happen so it's part my fault.

I never knew there would be a day when my son got married and I wouldn't be there with him, just to see that last milestone every mama wants to see. Maybe if I died or had a terminal illness but I never ever thought he would reject me at his wedding.

I have prayed and prayed about this situation for well over a year and without confiding some details that only God brought to light about a month ago and to respect my son's integrity I won't explain that part.
I only know that this week one day I had a little time to go over to the bookstore and while I was browsing through the books searching for something of encouragement, I heard playing over the intercom a CD by Randy Travis. It was a gospel song and I actually didn't know he sang gospel music. I heard it playing a song called "Angels". I had never heard of it before and I'm pretty up on music as I listen all the time and play the piano sometimes while I'm by myself.

As the lyrics were about angels (and I'm a collector of angels) I listened closer and then I realized what the words were saying and it was like my Guardian angel was singing it to me. I bought the CD called Three Wooden Crosses and for a nearly a week I've been listening to the CD, all 20 songs, back and forth to work and especially number 3 on it, called Angels. It's a very moving song and I hope you can hear it one day. It's about mothers, not as angels with halos or white wings but just plain people who protected their kids and bore pain to bring into the world a child thats loved the moment they put his little body on your stomach. I have all their recorded milestones on simple paper and have their baby clothes saved away, how much they weighed and when they started walking and talking, first words, lost teeth, times I took him to the hospital alot because he was sick alot before the age of 5.

I even started an IV on his little bitty right foot in an emergency in a small county hospital at 3am with a doctor that looked at me and told me I had too. I was the only nurse there that could do it on the night shift that night. His feet were tiny and he was dehydrated with fever and had seizures and the other nurses couldn't get the vein. I said I couldn't do it because I just couldn't stick my kid with a needle.
 Dr Griffin looked at me and said you've got too to save his life. So, me and Dr. Griffin took him to the 2 bed ICU unit and I was so tired but  you just numb out and when your kid is hurting or near death you go to work. I got it in and started fluids and he got better. Thank goodness I didn't work there but about a year later and now they have a bigger hospital and better staffing situation.

 I thought about the time he almost drowned in a pool in Columbia, South Carolina on an overnight trip I took both the kids by myself to visit the zoo. he was only about 9 then.  The ambulance had to be called as he was on the bottom of the pool and an angel, a teacher, dove in the water and pulled him out and I remember running around crying and thinking he would be dead but when he finally came to and coughed the water out he told the EMT's in a rough voice, "Don't worry, my mama always gets this way when I get hurt". The EMT's kinda laughed and that broke all the worry and tension and I stayed up watching him breathe all night by myself, with his sister by him alseep too after that in a dark hotel room. Then morning we went home.

I remember when he was 13 years old, we went up in a 4 seated airplane and we rode in back, holding hands because we both were scared of heights. He just looked at me with his big brown eyes and said over the loud engine "Don't worry, mama, if we fall, I'll catch you, I promise." Boy, he had an imagination because we were waayyy up there. But he kept holding my hand tighter and I knew he just loved me as I did him.

I remember when we flew to Arizona and I finally got my graduate degree, he and Meghan sat over beside us on the plane and it was her first flight and sick she got! But Brandon, he leaned over and looked at me and put his thumbs up in the air when we lifted off the ground. I have a picture of that. BG and I just laughed. He, from day one, made me laugh and cry, but mostly laugh.  I suppose if I tried I could recall quite a bit of stressful times and times that were trying but as mamas I think God made us that way to remember the good parts the most.

I'm no perfect person at all and I sure know I'm not an angel but I know I was a good mama. I'm sure there are better mamas who buy better, new cars for their kids instead of used ones, and pay all their college instead of part, and I'm sure there are parents who spend more time maybe than I did during those teenage years when they just want to go to their room and listen music or text their friends. I'm sure there are mams that didn't have PTSD either. And maybe I shouldn't have been so protective about him not going to join the army but I reacted out of love because I didn't want him to get hurt.

I've maybe'd if'd for a year now since he wrote me a horrible note that broke my heart before he left for Afghanistan. I did not understand at all what promoted that anger but I guess it's hard for mamas to admit their kids don't love them anymore. It's unimaginative. I even thought at a very low point last year that Meghan and Brandon would be better off if I had died years ago and they had a better mama. I don't know.

I don't know what the total rejection thing is about and even though it was painful at Fort Stewart to ask for a hug twice and get denied like I was just a plain stranger I wanted him to know I still loved him no matter what.

Am I angry? no, I'm very hurt and it's really deep. If their intentions were to hurt me, I just ask to please stop, it worked. My heart is in a million pieces right now.
Will it stop my life? No, I have other parts of my life like being a nurse practitioner and wife as best I can through all this.
Did it hurt my own parents? Yes, and it's something that I've had to be in the middle of for quite some time now. I have learned that I can't set their boundaries for them and save the world and that part, I let go.
Do I look back and wish I never had kids? No.
Why?  Because I never knew what real love was until I had children.
It's made me who I am today and this past year has challenged me to what my purpose really is here on this earth. It's helped me to relearn some things I had  many years ago in an abusive relationship called boundaries. It also drew me back to my faith which I had lost through some years of time. It's also made me realize that we should respect our parents more and the experience has put my own father in deepened thoughts in recent months and forgiveness and the words "I love you" which were never spoken between us are now spoken.
The hardest part is not the forgiving but forgetting.
I do know in time they will understand that their future will become one day their past and maybe, just maybe he will understand a little bit of the kind of love a mother has for her son when he sees his first, and feeds him, carries him to school, goes through rough teen years and then the cycle will go on.

Is my heart completely broken right now? yes and I didn't know it would hurt so much to be rejected by children you loved so long and so hard.
I think in every woman, there's always a little girl somewhere and she never dreams that her son will grow up and then uninvite her to his wedding.
Their goal was to crush my heart and mission accomplished.
This is such an important time in your life and I wish I was there to celebrate it with him. To wish him a happy marriage. I'm left with who will stand in my place Saturday?  I guess all along I really didn't have the place I thought in his heart as he had in mine.

I wish for all readers of this blog to never, ever have to go through this with your children. I've cried more in the past month and especially in the past week than I have probably since my first son died. It's just a heart pain that I know will get better but right now I just can't (as someone explained to me this past week) "fake happy" when my heart is broken.
I've kinda got stitchers block right now and I guess I just can't sit still because it hurts more to sit still right now and know my place was so easily taken after all the years of making that first priority.

I share this with you to let you know as friends, this is probably not so much of a 'stitchytime" for me right now. I have either been running constantly or sitting and staring and crying.
I know I have a husband who loves me and supports me and I have Abbie, but nobdy could take the place of my kids. I just wish they thought the same way too.
And as always, as mamas know and say to their kids, "I'm still always here if you ever need me".
I guess for this milestone, I will write, The End.

A Road trip day

Today started very early, my day off.  I had some business to take care of on a round trip about 3.5 hours from here. Every 3 months I go there to change the flowers and I always go on Mother's Day.
On our trip I stopped at a very large Hobby Lobby to get the flowers as they usually have a great choice and selection and I got the prettiest bright pink tulips. They looked so real and placed them on my son, Aaron's grave. I got a pic of them on my camera phone but right now unable to find the cord to put them to my computer but I will this week when I find them. I pray my usuals to myself, change out the old faded ones that I had put there last,  always wonder what he would have grown up to be. He would be almost 25 years old now. Mother's never forget even when others do. I wish he could be nearer so that I could tend to his gravesite as I used to when I lived there but there are people that hold such strong grudges that this will probably never happen. But I will never lose hope, not as long as I'm alive. And as long as I'm able I will tend to it.

I got a unique stepping stone to add to my butterfly bush garden. All yellow butterflies remind me that his spirit is with us.  It's plaster but at half off, I couldn't resist getting this.

And I also found a tassel that I adored to add to the At Pemberley sampler I finished.

And because I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted right now, I'm not going to stay into the morning hours to finish it but tomorrow night I will after work. It's going to be lovely.

I saw the tassels on the model on the front of the chart and I loved them so for the added regency it gives the piece that I decided to hang them at the top corner as well.

I also snagged a frame there that fit this piece better at 50% off, I couldn't believe it.

It's a pretty heavy frame and I felt it to be more fitting for the piece.

On the road trip I read my Jane Austen "Her Works" book that I got in Boston. Very good book!

I read all about Pemberley and I think anyone would love to go there for a stay.

This has been a delight to work with and I'm excited to get to work on this tomorrow night.

I may not have a Pemberley, but I have a safe haven in the mountains where there's peace.

And there's no place like home no matter where it is.