Thursday, November 12, 2009

There are good days and then there are not so good days

There are good days and bad days and with PTSD, the bad days can sometimes be worse than you can ever imagine. I'm not sure if watching this endlessly or

approaching the holidays or if it's the continual gray rainy days ( until today!) that got me to this point. But, I really felt the burdens that have been put upon me lately and very hard. I'm trying to make sense of things that will never be made sense of, realign my life so that my journey is not futile, and try to count my blessings. It's hard with parents who wish you were dead and children who are so brutally cruel. But we keep going because we know that our hearts are in the right place and we have done nothing to deserve this cruel behavior.
Being the scapegoat of a family is hard enough. I came to the realization that nothing, not even God can fill the hole left by the abuse of family. Not shopping, not other people, not eating....nothing.

I think the holidays are the worst times for me because I always try to make it work, like a Norman Rockwell painting and it doesn't. For me, Christmas shopping was fun. I enjoyed picking out my kids gifts and only the best and most would do. I liked seeing their faces when they opened them. Most of them were tossed to the side with the tags still on them. I knew that and each year kept buying. I'm burned out. Totally burned out as being the giver. Giver of time, energy, gifts, conversations, reassurances, advice, etc. Tired of being the one blamed for everything.
Luckily I have off these next few days and I definitely need it. Because I have some serious things to consider. I have never wondered if there really was a God until yesterday when I drove home. Feeling guilty that I even considered this thought, I can't help but think it. I have no answers to prayer. I've been told this kind of thinking was normal coming from a home where one is shunned and pushed to the side as a reject. A problem, something that shouldn't have even existed. How can one look to God, the Father, when your own father deserts you ?

But, even through this, I have picked up here and there some holiday items this past week. I really have spent way too much on Christmas ornament-making for really, no reason. I've been too engrossed in work and stress to figure my sewing machine out but today I have started looking at the CD that came with it. Sitching I can do but then finishing always puts me in a place where I feel it's never good enough. My sewing is not that good but I want to finish them so bad!

I flex back and forth from, having a Christmas, to not having a Christmas. The only thing I know for sure is that we will be going to Chicago the end of December for a week visit with my in-laws which will be happy and fun-filled. Driving for 13 hours.......well that part may be pretty long but again, I will have my stitching frame ready to go. I'm super lucky to have a good hubbie that will stop whenever I need a stretch or if I see a stitching store too. So, this is something I look forward to.

On one of my more hopeful days this past week, I found these tinsel candy canes all grouped together and tied with a ribbon in a thrift store. I couldn't resist them. I've put them in here temporarily until I find another place for them. They were ultra cheap and oh so cute!


I also got this in the mail. Mother of pearl, heart thread rings. Ten of them. I've never made my own needle roll but one day.....yeppers, one day........I will put these little rings in my needle roll. Until then they will be lovely for holding my threads.


Kelmscott designs but ordered from The Sampler Girl webshop


I love hearts. Always have.

And while I'm moping in my robe this morning (or at lunch whatever time it is) I had to put this in my pocket to get some chores down. She is loving the pocket thing here.
She promises to behave while I get back to stitching and sewing.

11 comments:

  1. Please do not lose your hope nor your faith.

    I know times can get hard.

    I also live with PTSD and had a father that sexual abused me as well as emotionally abuse.

    I know at times it is hard to believe that our heavenly father could ever love us.... but he does.

    Please holler if you ever need an ear!!!!

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  2. I wish I could just sit in your living room with you and let you vent. I am thinking of you.

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  3. I think we all have questioned WHY things do or don't happen. Why does God allow this or that, why doesn't He stop this or that. God does answer prayers but not always in the way we choose and rarely on our timeline.

    Wounds left on us by our family hurt the worst. We may never be accepted or loved the way we hope. Bottom line is we are accountable for OUR actions and can't make them change; that's not our job but God's.

    We can't make them love us. We are no better than Jesus. Many didn't love him and he was even crucified...all the while asking God to forgive them because they didn't really know what they were doing.

    God created us to love Him but He allows people to CHOOSE whether to do so. Sure, it would have been simpler for Him just to say, "do it" and then make us but that wouldn't be love.

    People, even those with the label 'Christian' hurt others to the point of despair. You will not find peace in people but you will find true peace in God. He loves you where you are and it only gets better from there.

    As far as the holidays, come see us early December. Spend an early Christmas with us. I'll make dinner.

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  4. God loves you, Jennifer. He does. Life isn't peachy all the time and sounds like you have had a rotten time of it too much but God loves you. I know it's hard on dark days but his eye is on the sparrow and he's watching.

    Hugs to you,
    Tanya

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  5. Please hang on to your faith and belief in God. Remember, He has promised to never abandon or forsake us.

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  6. Aww honey...hugs, just lots and lots of hugs


    ((Jennifer))

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  7. Like others that have responded - I am sending many hugs and wish I could meet you in person to give you an ear and a shoulder! One of my husbands favorites is "Footprints" - we have it hanging at the bottom of our stairs and many days I take a moment to read it - even thought I know it already.

    Keep close those that you hold dear (they hold you dearly as well) - your wonderful husband, Ren and Abbie, and all of the friends you have in the stitching world!

    Again, hugs and more hugs!

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  8. After reading your post, I was reading another one that I thought, wow, I need to share this one with Jennifer. Here it is: http://ruthellenstwocents.blogspot.com

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  9. Consider yourself hugged; don't give up your faith in God and remember that WE care.

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  10. You are all so sweet and I love you all!
    Wish I could visit every one of you at Christmas.

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  11. Jennifer, I just happened on your blog from someone else's blog. Just kept reading. You sounded so familiar. I kept reading and finally got to this post, and BAM! You sound like me. Only difference is that it was my MOTHER that made me feel unloved and convinced me that my father didn't love me. For years I put up with that abuse and finally decided not to put up with it. For so many years, I felt if my mother couldn't love me, how could anyone else love me? How could I love the unlovable me? It took hundreds of hours talking to hubby in the dark night of a semi truck to finally realize--she was the one with the problem, not me.

    I understand your problems with Faith and God and wondering if he's there. God never said he'd keep all the bad things from hurting us. We grow during bad things. He did say he's always be with us, especially through the bad things. So, when you're sitting there moping, wondering how much more you can take--He's there with you. If you want to "talk", or chat--my email address is on my blog.
    hugs
    Debs

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Comments are welcome at the homestead at any time! I appreciate your time out of your day to stop and say hello!!
We love to hear from you and yours any time and cherish the time you take to be with us here. I hope you have a GREAT week!
Jennifer

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