There are good days and then there are not so good days

There are good days and bad days and with PTSD, the bad days can sometimes be worse than you can ever imagine. I'm not sure if watching this endlessly or

approaching the holidays or if it's the continual gray rainy days ( until today!) that got me to this point. But, I really felt the burdens that have been put upon me lately and very hard. I'm trying to make sense of things that will never be made sense of, realign my life so that my journey is not futile, and try to count my blessings. It's hard with parents who wish you were dead and children who are so brutally cruel. But we keep going because we know that our hearts are in the right place and we have done nothing to deserve this cruel behavior.
Being the scapegoat of a family is hard enough. I came to the realization that nothing, not even God can fill the hole left by the abuse of family. Not shopping, not other people, not eating....nothing.

I think the holidays are the worst times for me because I always try to make it work, like a Norman Rockwell painting and it doesn't. For me, Christmas shopping was fun. I enjoyed picking out my kids gifts and only the best and most would do. I liked seeing their faces when they opened them. Most of them were tossed to the side with the tags still on them. I knew that and each year kept buying. I'm burned out. Totally burned out as being the giver. Giver of time, energy, gifts, conversations, reassurances, advice, etc. Tired of being the one blamed for everything.
Luckily I have off these next few days and I definitely need it. Because I have some serious things to consider. I have never wondered if there really was a God until yesterday when I drove home. Feeling guilty that I even considered this thought, I can't help but think it. I have no answers to prayer. I've been told this kind of thinking was normal coming from a home where one is shunned and pushed to the side as a reject. A problem, something that shouldn't have even existed. How can one look to God, the Father, when your own father deserts you ?

But, even through this, I have picked up here and there some holiday items this past week. I really have spent way too much on Christmas ornament-making for really, no reason. I've been too engrossed in work and stress to figure my sewing machine out but today I have started looking at the CD that came with it. Sitching I can do but then finishing always puts me in a place where I feel it's never good enough. My sewing is not that good but I want to finish them so bad!

I flex back and forth from, having a Christmas, to not having a Christmas. The only thing I know for sure is that we will be going to Chicago the end of December for a week visit with my in-laws which will be happy and fun-filled. Driving for 13 hours.......well that part may be pretty long but again, I will have my stitching frame ready to go. I'm super lucky to have a good hubbie that will stop whenever I need a stretch or if I see a stitching store too. So, this is something I look forward to.

On one of my more hopeful days this past week, I found these tinsel candy canes all grouped together and tied with a ribbon in a thrift store. I couldn't resist them. I've put them in here temporarily until I find another place for them. They were ultra cheap and oh so cute!


I also got this in the mail. Mother of pearl, heart thread rings. Ten of them. I've never made my own needle roll but one day.....yeppers, one day........I will put these little rings in my needle roll. Until then they will be lovely for holding my threads.

Kelmscott designs but ordered from The Sampler Girl webshop

I love hearts. Always have.

And while I'm moping in my robe this morning (or at lunch whatever time it is) I had to put this in my pocket to get some chores down. She is loving the pocket thing here.

She promises to behave while I get back to stitching and sewing.