In the eyes of a child

Here are some precious pictures from my kids. I have them stored away as reminders that their real hearts are loving. No matter how hard you try to raise kids, sometimes, it goes way by the wayside and I'm left not knowing if all the hard work and worry was really meaningful to them. All I have left is this. There are no words they can say that are hurtful enough to take away how much I love them. And if they are happy, I am happy. Bottom line.

Children will create pictures as you probably know as reflections of their hearts. And these pics remind me of what their hearts were like.

Both of the bottom pics are Brandons drawings. I have an entire plastic tub of drawings still in my basement and go through them regularly. That probably sounds silly. But anyway, that's the only way I know that being a mom was worth the while. Sometimes I think they really wish I never existed now. And that's a sad thing to carry around. But, when I look at these, I realize what their hearts were, and then I know that it was really alot of other circumstances and people that changed that.

I will hold onto these forever because really that's all I have to hold onto. Brandon wrote alot of comments in pencil and the camera wouldn't focus too much so that you could read it. Basically he wrote that our house sounded like baby's crying. Another comment he put was that the house was going to fall down when his daddy walked through it. That was probably putting it mildly to say the least and sometimes I wonder how much difference it would have made if I removed ourselves from this environment even earlier. But, all in all, I don't really in retrospect think it would have made alot of difference. All I know is that I have to remember those things that made the "sound of babies crying" in our house and not one person in the world can understand how that felt at the time. I was fortunate at the time, to have some very, very understanding professional folks who helped me out of a situation that was at the very least toxic. I can't tell you how much appreciative I am for people who probably went one step past professional to help us. I would not be where I am today if it were not for them. Some people, including family, want to forget this part of my life, they even want to forget me. And I so much want to as well. But there are days like today when I reflect back and know that I am a lucky person to have survived as much as I did and now safe in a place where I am loved. I hope my kids can say the same thing today even as they block out me with their past. They will understand in their own time, hopefully, not under the same circumstances. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

If you have small kids, save all you can. You never know when they will just stop loving you one day. Even though you think it would never happen to you, it can. Hold on to the part of their life when there was innocence and honesty. These qualities are not always promised forever.