Driving home from work, I contemplated on the most particular forms of rejections, especially the ones that hit us hard such as from parents or from children. I have to say I'm blessed because my husband has always been supportive and understanding when even immediate family members demonstrate such rejecting, even repulsive acts, that would usually drive away anybody. He has been the most loving, most understanding and the most supportive of the sadness that accompanies rejection. We had a long talk after I came home from work and we're amazed at the family members that really are hurtful in their choices. We can only answer for ourselves and know in our hearts that we have been supportive even when things were bad.
In my experience, it's been kinda known fact that rejection is inevitable part of life, for we have no supportive family at all. But we keep on keeping on in spite of the hurt that our immediate family imposes. I have one of the most passive-aggressive mothers in the world. She particularly likes to point out the fact that I'm not "quite good enough". She thrives on passive aggressive control. For example, she loves to point out to me that she has cooked meat in the vegetables and want let my vegetarian sister-in-law know about it so that she can say "see, I made her eat meat whether she wanted to or not". Wow! Just really bizarre. She has reminded me through the years of my inability to be the perfect mother. She tries to "take over" and do it better herself and in the meantime, has won if you think about it. I hope she is thoroughly happy at causing constant strife. In trying to make sense out of the bizzareness, I can only think that she must be a really unhappy person to try to be as hurtful as she has been.
Rejection has only as much power as you let it. You see, I know I did the best that I could as a parent and her opinions are ......only opinons. I guess, when I found out sporadically, even accidentally that she was having a "going-away" supper recently for my son , who would be gone a year to Afghanistan, and intentially didn't invite us.......I realized what she really was made of.
Even though it was very hurtful to find out we were'nt intentially invited and that we may not see him for a year, she still persued her act of aggression.......but in a passive way. Never the less, it's hurtful. She will have to live with her decisions. I would not like to be in her shoes because intential hurt for my childen has never crossed my mind.
Rejection is such a powerful impact on people you love.......or think you love. I'm fortunate in that I have a husband that has always been supportive even through these times. He is the most understanding person in the world and actually cannot totally relate to folks like this but he sees what it does to other people and can appreciate the impact that total support has in a relationship. I'm so thankful for him. It's been hard being a step parent and being told over and over by my children that he is basically not respected for being concerned.
I'm thankful though for a husband that is very loving and very understanding.
We realize that we are unimportant to our family but we still love them in spite of their hurtfulness. I have told my children this many times........life is choices and your the one that has to live with your decisions. And that goes for parents as well.
We know that even though our children and my parents reject us, that God loves us because he knows what we really are. That's the most important of all. I just hope my parents realize this one day.
I think we may share MILs. The last straw was when she tried to use my children against me and my dh ha to physically hold me off her...then he got the message and started to give me the support that had before that been lacking. She got the message and no more games. She knows I see through her spell of super-nice woman which everyone else falls under. Aggressive-passive is a tricky one and often it links to how they themselves were brought up. At least you are breaking that chain through how you bring up your children. I hope you son comes home safe soon.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to hear about families, mothers in particular, who behave this way. It also makes me thank God for the wonderful and special relationship that I had with my mother. She always worried that my siblings would not stay close. She was the love and glue that kept everyone together. They say children learn best by example. I hope that yours will grow to follow the loving one of you and your DH and NOT that of your mother.
ReplyDeleteKeep loving and smiling.
yeah this is my mother, not mother-in-law, and thats what made the undermining hard.My sister in law doesn't even realize it yet. My son is very bitter and disrespectful to us because of her undermining but we still try to be supportive. Now he or my mother and father refuse to have the decency of respect to let us know how he is doing (because I'm sure he is calling them) and the military doesn't care about parents I don't think, just spouses. But we get bits of information just because we are concerned. He has a year over there and this is what we get from my parents. My mother is enjoying encouraging my son's rude behavior and that's just sick, sick, sick. What's even sicker to me is that she will conjure up all this things to make others look like idiots at the same time she is planning her ladies mission group meeting at her house. How she even sleeps at night is amazing to me.
ReplyDeleteAs I've traveled thru the years, I have begun to observe more closely, trying to see if I was the only one who was rejected by one whom I love, and who should consider me to be precious. I notice more and more of hurtfulness happening to friends who are open enough to share. I don't understand why family members make themselves so difficult to love, why they withhold their love, especially in a time when sometimes love is all we have of real value.
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