Saturday, September 18, 2010

Slipping away




February Song

by Josh Groban




Where has that old friend gone

Lost in a February song

Tell him it won't be long

Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

Where is that simple day

Before colors broke into shades

And how did I ever fade

Into this life, into this life



And I never want to let you down

Forgive me if I slip away

When all that I've known is lost and found

I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day


Morning is waking up

And sometimes it's more than just enough

When all that you need to love

Is in front of your eyes

It's in front of your eyes



And I never want to let you down

Forgive me if I slip away

Sometimes it's hard to find the ground

Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away

From this crazy world



And I never want to let you down

Forgive me if I slip away

When all that I've known is lost and found

I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day



Where has that old friend gone

Lost in a February song

Tell him it won't be long

Til he opens his eyes

Opens his eyes.
 
 
 No one grounds me more than Josh Groban's music. The piano is my first love and is always there for a balm on difficult days. I love listening to Josh Groban's videos and I'm sure his songs will be one of the first I list on my new IPOD.  He can express things I feel but cannot say.
 
His musical talent has touched my heart forever. I just watched his video, February Song, and couldn't embed in this posting but if you have a chance to go to U-tube, take a few minutes to listen to it on his official website. He plays the piano and delivers a voice of beauty to his audience.  His heartfelt words are communicated  with sincerity.
 
Today, I thank God in prayer that He doesn't treat us like humans do. He is always there and will never reject us. That is a gift within itself that no one can take away from me. 
 
 He is my Heavenly Father, completely different from my earthly Father, and with Father time who gently holds my heart on days like today and whispers to me "just slip away" but with His gentleness I realize that He is there and will be the only one not to leave me. His love is unconditional and of course, He made me, so He knows what's in my fiber long before I knew. 
 
He will help me slip away and bow gracefully out of unwanted territories.  Sometimes I'm pretty dumb at figuring out when my prescence is no longer needed or wanted. It's hard to admit that I was just a stepping stone for a long time. Who wants to feel that useless in life? But I did my best that I could with what I was given, which was definitely not meeting standards, I guess, to folks you think would return love that you give.
 
Life lesson:   love is not always a two-way street.
 
 Where is that simple day


Before colors broke into shades

And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into his life

 
Slip away.
 
Slip away.
 
Today. 
 
Happy Birthday Brandon! I know you still read this blog even though unresponsive to emails, letters. This perplexes me somewhat as I thought you had matured, but son you have many years ahead to learn.
 I will always love you but realize you want me to slip out of your life forever. This is hard for me as I diapered you, loved and protected you, recorded your first steps, your first tooth, and read many books incessently over and over, listened to you and played with you, rocked you to sleep on many nights, dried your tears and sniffles,  took up for you in when I got called to parent conferences---many times, was your sideline cheer during baseball, was the one who held your hand in an airplane, who always bought you the best I could at Christmas's because I wanted you to feel special, cared for you for years when you were sick and needed tending, played the piano for you to ease you to sleep on those restless nights, prayed hard and without end when you went to war, supported you at your pinning ceremony even though my heart didn't want to lose you to a cruel war in the future, hugged and tried hard to welcome your wife into our home, always thought of you as someone who made me laugh and could count on that,  something you will never understand until you have your own children. My last prayer for you is that you will not have a son who hurts your heart as you have hurt mine in this past year. It's not anything I would wish for anybody.
I am not perfect by no means. Will never be. But my heart was always on the protect mode for you and in some cases that only caused confusion for you and until you have your own little ones to protect, will you understand completely what that level of maturity is all about.
I want to thank you for giving me the years that you did to learn many life lessons and your hugs. 
But, ironically, through all this there is one thing you cannot take away from me and that is the memories that live in my heart, the good and the bad.
 I choose to remember the good.
You choose to not remember because if you did, you wouldn't be so hurtful.
I pray for you that your heart will one day understand.... one day, for your own sake.
As you used to say when you were 3 years old, "mama, is this one day?" because I would tell you one day, then I guess this is "one day" and your wish for me is coming true.
  I miss getting a cake for your birthday and getting mums to put around it, but I guess all I did was useless to you. It's a big step for me, Brandon, for my heart to walk away. I hope you never know how that feels as a parent, because I still love you and wouldn't want this to happen to you in the future.
God bless you at whatever you do.
 
Forgive me if my heart just slips away.
Love Always,
Mama

11 comments:

  1. Dear Friend...I know I don't comment much but please know that I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.
    Josh Groban has the same effect on me. His voice is like velvet that smooths over the roughest parts of life.
    I will have to look up this song.

    Happy Birthday Brandon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also love piano music. Sometimes any music, without words... I love to listen to the melding of each instrument... Funny, last night I had on Light Classical music on the t.v, and my sister made a face, saying it was not appealing. I told her it was VERY relaxing to listen to this music... My son liked music without words growing up... Helped him when he was studying. He had to be multi-tasking. I totally understand! Hugs on this very special day!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending you much love today Jennifer.

    I am learning also how much it hurts to have a child decide that we do not deserve to be in their life anymore. It is a hard thing to go through.... only hope that one day they realize all the heartache they caused and somehow make amends.

    Hope Brandon has a great birthday.

    ((((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  4. The ones that have the power to hurt you are the ones that love you the most and that you love the most. Hold Brandon in your heart and know that someday he will truly comprehend what a parent's love is all about.

    Happy Birthday to Brandon....

    ReplyDelete
  5. It takes more courage and a great deal of pain to let go...it is those that we love and that love us the most that can truly hurt us. Someday Brandon will understand the unconditional love that a mother has for her child.

    Happy Birthday to Brandon. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Jennifer....I too love Josh Groban. His voice is so soothing. Have you heard the CD from William Joseph? His piano playing is beautiful too. I think he's even performed with Josh before. Anyway, if you can get ahold of it you should. If you cannot find it, let me know. You will love it.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Jennifer....I too love Josh Groban. His voice is so soothing. Have you heard the CD from William Joseph? His piano playing is beautiful too. I think he's even performed with Josh before. Anyway, if you can get ahold of it you should. If you cannot find it, let me know. You will love it.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Stitcher, Yes, Josh Groban is great.
    We have the same situation in my family between my brother and our mother. We all hope that one day he will 'grow up' and realize true love of another person. He has gone thru 2 wives and 4 children - 3 his own and if it wasn't for his drinking with his 3 sons he would have no contact with them. Sad!
    He has even cast me out of his life - 1 of 3 sisters and he only communicates with 1. I don't know what I ever did to him so I just forgive him and go on with my life and wish and prayer that he would be better to our Mother.
    Prayers to you in this trying time.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jennifer lot of encouragement for you.

    Brandon, you do not know the mother so cool you're missing!

    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jennifer, I really do know how you feel. I'm in the same situation with my daughter. Over the last 4 years, when she would not have any contact with me, I have learned to accept this, but I miss my grandchildren so much. It breaks my heart, and the worst thing is I honestly don't know what it's all about. We were really close, we didn't have a quarrel or anything. She just suddenly didn't want anything to do with me. If there was some explanation it might help, but I've always loved her and done my best to make sure she had a happy life. So, my friend, know that you are not the only one in this heartbreaking situation. Blessings

    ReplyDelete

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We love to hear from you and yours any time and cherish the time you take to be with us here. I hope you have a GREAT week!
Jennifer

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